Corruption Vanquished in the Roman Curia

Now it Can Be Told - The Story Behind the Story of Crime and Evil Vanquished in the Roman Curia (Episode 3)

The opulent digs of the spindly Monsignore Gravilvoce Baldoni on the Via della Conciliazione blazoned with unaccustomed light and festiveness, as the powerful clerical head of the Relics and Canonization Dicastery (Department) of the Curia lounged on his chaise, a small snifter of Galliano liqueur in his hand. He was awaiting a special guest, the wealthy Americano playboy and philanthropist from Gotham City, Bruce Wayne.

Little did Baldoni know he was being set up in a scam as worthy as any he himself devised over the years as an entrenched Vatican Curial bureaucrat. Bruce Wayne was in reality, Ricardo Goldenson (aka Reuben) one of the trio with The Bat-Priest (aka Fr. Franco Bergoglio) and The Moth (aka Umberto Falena) pledged to eradicate crime, evil and badness in the Roman Curia. With the inside information provided Falena, journalist extraordinaire for the Giornale Vatican, of the lucrative relic-selling operation within the Vatican City walls, the Bat-Priest had enough info to hoist Baldoni with his own petard.

Fr. Franco, in disguise as an elderly financial broker from the Venezia Stock Exchange, was the"sponsore" of a wealthy Americano, Bruce Wayne, seeking a special relic - (not just any run of the mill-saintly relic, but the piece de resistance of relics, a piece of THE TRUE CROSS!). He made contact with Monsignore Baldoni the go to-man necessary to personally fill such a request. That night he arranged to personally escort "Wayne" to bring the two together at Baldoni's apartment for the negotiation. The Monsignore, no stranger to such clandestine dealings, was anxious to size up the Americano to see just how many USD he could squeeze out of the "mark" this time. For his fortune was made on the "big" stuff mainly, with little more than chump change on the "gratuities" offered for relics of "ordinary" saints.

With his gold cuff links, Rolex watch and expensive Italian silk suit, Wayne impressed Baldoni as an A-one prime sheep ready for the shearing. After lengthy palavering over a a fancy spread of cheeses and wine, Baldoni whispered his offer: $50,000; of course, in addition to the gold-casement, the relic would be authenticated by a 4th century document recounting the discovery of the beam of the true cross by St. Helena, the mother of Emperor Constantine. The "gratuity" was to cover the cost of preservation, authentication and the on-going holy work of the Dicastery, as the oily Monsignore smarmily explained. Bruce Wayne (Reuben in disguise), in halting Italian, heartily accepted as he fawningly knelt and kissed Baldoni's ring in gratitude. What a fine piece of acting, thought the Bat-Priest, as he stood by snickering internally. The exchange was to occur two days hence.

Baldoni did not realize that the entire meeting was secretly audio and video-taped by the secret Bat-camera and Bat- mic surreptitiously hidden in Wayne's briefcase. He also was unaware of the dose of morphic-alum-precosomine (MAP) the Bat-Priest slipped into his cup of espresso as they toasted their successful negotiation.

This drug would shortly render the Monsignore hallucinatorily somnolent for 12 hours,enough time for phase two of the plan to yield fruit.

The special Bat-potion given the king of relic spuriosity kicked in, as the Bat-Priest and Reuben re-entered Baldoni's opulent apartment at midnight. "Joe the Jun" (aka Giuseppe Schiaffini) provided them with a surreptitious underground entry point and they set to work. First, they discovered the apartment's secret workshop where Baldoni's lackeys manufactured the fake relics and confiscated samples, especially of the class A-one variety "fugazies" that brought in the big bucks, e.g. pieces of the clothing worn by St. Joseph, the BVM and the apostles. bone fragments of Joan of Arc etc. etc. Next, they video-cammed the entire opulency of the rooms where the wealthy cleric lavishly entertained rich relic-seekers - including the grand four-poster bed with its canopy and silk sheets, even while he slept. Before departing, Reuben copied all of his financial documents for review.

Twenty-four hours of intense work in the Bat-Cellar produced astounding results. Using the Reliqual-Polygraphic-Sensorator (RPS) attachment to the Bat-scroptic praxometer, the Bat-Priest discovered the real make-up of all the relic forgeries. For example, the sliver of wood of the True Cross was a chip from an old shillelagh that hung over the Monsignore's mantel etc., etc. All the scientific data was compiled and added to Reuben's audit of Baldoni's finances and given over to The Moth (aka Umberto Falena) for final disposition.

The next day's Giornale Vaticano revealed the complete sordid story (with pictures) of the "Disaster at the Dicastery" and Msgr. Gravilvoce Baldoni's reign was at an end. Within hours he recieved a registered letter from the Posta Vaticano re-assigning him as Master of Ceremonies (i.e. altar boy) to Cardinal Richeloni Albatrosso in Sierra Leone.

(Next: Cardinal Grosso Izzalotto goes down grossly.)

Robert Jedrzejewski is a retired college instructor of philosophy, theology and literature

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