Corruption Uncovered in The Vatican's Roman Curia

The Bat-Cellar hummed with excruciating nervosity as The Bat-Priest (aka Fr. Franco Bergoglio), Reuben (aka Ricardo Goldenson) and The Moth (aka Umberto Falena) huddled over secret documents The Moth had uncovered, detailing the incredulous banking shenanigans of His Eminenza Cardinal Richeloni Albatrosso. As head of the Piccolo Banco Vaticano (PBV), he was virtually shoveling laundered money (euros) into an audit-proof (so he thought) account. Whence this river of ill-gotten booty? - a string of Cafes, Trattorias, Ristorantes, Cucinas and Gelaterias spread out over the vast expanse of the Roman metropolis.

This was a black spider web of intrigue, guile and massive net-working that, obvious to Roman cognoscenti like The Bat-Priest and The Moth, took years and years to develop. But Albatrosso was entrenched for years and years in Curial financial affairs and nurtured scrofulous minor spiders while spinning his lucrative web of thievery and deceit. In all the aforementioned establishments, little jars near the cash registers invited patrons to part with their euro-cents change for "Albatrosso's Piccoli Poveri" (i.e. Albatrosso's poor children). Except, each establishment's delivery boy, minus his "dieci percento" (10%) cut took the money to the PBV and then to the Cardinal's private strong box. Reuben (aka Ricardo Goldenson) saw how the books were cooked and the spidery scope of this elegant and massive fraudulenza. Over the years it amounted to MILLIONS of euros in the Cardinal's bulging coffers.

If Umberto Falena (aka The Moth) could receive inside-the- Vatican leaks, he could also deliver them. This was the beginning of the master plan to bring down the powerful Albatrosso and thus rid His Holiness of one weighty load around his neck.

Part A of the Bat-Priest's scheme: get directly into the Pope's hands an independent audit of Cardinal Albatrosso's personal PBV holdings. This would require surreptitious entry and access to the bank vaults; Joe the Jun (aka Giuseppe Schiaffini) could be relied on to discover a subterranean entry thereto.

Part B would require some deft paperwork, and thanks to the Bat-scroptic praxometer's Flexo-Manuscript-Extensograph attachment (FME), The Moth was ready and able to produce what was required: (1) an official-looking MOTU PROPRIO (i.e Papal Edict) and (2) gilt-edged Papal badges personally identifying the wearers as unquestioned emissaries of the Pope's personal security detail. WHAT in the name of Judas-priest was this all about?? Pazienza! Pazienza! - a little back-tracking will enlighten you.

(A big part of Fr. Franco's ministry was to the poverty-stricken youth of his vast parish. He not only befriended the "scugnizzi" (river rats, as the snobs called them) but scrounged recreational supplies for them and even found newspaper delivery and other jobs for some. The "ragazzi" (boys) would turn out to be for their friendly Pastor something like Sherlock Holmes' Baker Street Irregulars in assisting the Trio of crime-fighters in their plan.)

Part C would require a lot of overtime work by Fr. Franco. Disguised with a beard and an impressive regalia-like uniform, imitative of the Swiss Guard, The Bat-Priest zipped through the streets and alleys of Rome on the Bat-VespaCycle to every establishment soliciting euro-cents for the Cardinal Albatrosso fund. . He personally, with typical Italian flourish and braggadocio, delivered a gilt-edged ultimatum to each, demanding that henceforth all contributions near the cash registers were to be handed over to youthful Papal representatives, identified by their official badges; no longer would the establishment's Albatrossian minions receive the contributions. Fr. Franco's "ragazzi" were only too happy to assist and spread out over the city, sporting their badges and returning the funds to Reuben (aka Ricardo Goldenson), who set up a special Papal fund for the poor, minus the "dieci percento" (10%), which went to establish a youth recreation and learning center at Santa Maria.

Pope Francis (the erstwhile Jorge Bergoglio) was surprised early one morning after his prayers to receive a special delivery package containing the true audit of Cardinal Albatrosso's finances, as well as a bank statement of an account for the poor in his name, in the tens of thousands of euros. The delivery was accompanied by a cryptic note, signed simply "I Vostri Amici" (Your friends), The Bat-Priest, Reuben, The Moth. Not long after, his Eminenza Cardinal Richeloni Albatrosso received a registered letter from the Vatican Post Office, informing him that he was immediately being re-assigned as Papal Nuncio (Ambassador) to Sierra Leone.

(Next: The spindly Monsignore Gravilvoce Baldoni, President of the Relics and Canonization Dicastery (Department) of the Curia gets a ghostly midnight visit from the Bat-Priest - or was it just a dream???)

Robert Jedrzejewski is a retired college instructor of Philosophy, Theology and Literature.

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